Letting Go Versus Our Expectations: The Psychology of Relationships
As I reflect on last year, I notice it kept offering me lessons I found (and at times still do find) difficult. Naturally, these intensified until I finally ‘got’ what I needed to learn: accepting what is and releasing how I wanted things to be. Can you relate?
One of the most persistent challenges in both our professional and personal lives remains: how do our expectations shape our experiences, particularly in relationships? For many of us, expectations are invisible scripts. They guide how we anticipate others will behave: what a friend "should" do in a crisis, how a partner "should" communicate, or what it "should" feel like when we find genuine connection. But psychology reminds us that the gap between what we expect and what reality delivers often becomes the birthplace of both disappointment and growth.
Expectations form early. According to cognitive psychology, our brains seek predictability. We build schemas, mental frameworks that help us make sense of the world and guide our behaviour (Piaget, 1952). In relationships, these schemas develop from family, culture, media and our earliest emotional bonds. Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert has shown that our projections about future emotional states, and by extension how we think relationships "should" unfold, are frequently inaccurate (Gilbert et al., 1998). This has certainly been my experience a few times over the past year.
When we hold tightly to expectations, relationships can become fragile. Research from Harvard's Study of Adult Development shows that unmet expectations are a common source of disconnection and resentment, whether in marriage, friendship or the workplace (Waldinger & Schulz, 2010). If we expect our partner to read our mind, or a colleague to always agree with our approach, we set both parties up for inevitable frustration.
But what is the answer? Lowering all standards? Not at all. Psychologist Carl Rogers argued for the importance of 'unconditional positive regard': the ability to accept ourselves and others, even when reality diverges from expectation (Rogers, 1957). Letting go, in this context, means making room for reality. Not demanding perfection but staying curious and flexible when difference and/or surprises arise.
In practice, this might look like curiosity instead of defensiveness or criticism when a friend disappoints us. Or recognising, from the famous Harvard Grant Study, that long-term fulfilment in relationships is built not on perfection but on repair after rupture (Vaillant, 2012). The healthiest relationships aren't free from conflict or unmet needs; in fact, hurt is inevitable at some point. Rather, they're marked by an ability to adapt, recalibrate expectations, and accept one another's limitations.
The challenge, then as I see it, is to notice the stories we tell ourselves about how things "should" be, and to bravely rewrite them when reality asks for something different. As we experience new kinds of connections (both digital and in person), I wonder if we might remember this: fulfilment is often less about insisting reality matches our plan, and more about finding peace and meaning in the messy, unscripted moments of real life.
Note to self: If I/we can loosen my/our grip on rigid expectations and instead develop patience, curiosity, and self-compassion, we may discover that reality, imperfect as it is, can be surprisingly generous.
About Amanda
Amanda Livermore is the founder of LORE Consultancy Ltd and a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) with the International Coaching Federation (ICF). With over 20 years of experience in coaching, training design and facilitation, Amanda specialises in helping individuals and teams develop the skills to work even more effectively together. As both a trained mentor coach and coach supervisor, she supports coaches in their own professional development whilst helping organisations create more inclusive, psychologically safe environments where different perspectives are valued and heard.
References:
D. T., Pinel, E. C., Wilson, T. D., Blumberg, S. J., & Wheatley, T. P. (1998). Immune neglect: A source of durability bias in affective forecasting. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(3), 617–638.
Piaget, J. (1952). The Origins of Intelligence in Children. International Universities Press.
Rogers, C. R. (1957). The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21, 95–103.
Vaillant, G. E. (2012). Triumphs of Experience: The Men of the Harvard Grant Study. Harvard University Press.
Waldinger, R. J., & Schulz, M. S. (2010). What's Love Got to Do With It? Social Function and Health in Marital and Other Close Relationships. Annual Review of Psychology, 61, 537–566.