When Differences Feel Like Threats and How to Turn Defence into Discovery

Have you ever caught yourself bristling when someone disagrees with you? That sudden tightness in your chest, the rush of words ready to prove them wrong? I know I have. It's interesting how quickly we can shift from calm conversation to defensive debate, all because someone sees the world differently from us.

The other day, I was having coffee with a friend when we stumbled into a disagreement about work-life balance. She's always been my opposite in this regard – where I believe in strict boundaries, she thrives on blending personal and professional life. I felt that familiar surge of defensiveness rising as she described her approach. But then I noticed something: my coffee cup had grown cold because I'd been so focused on preparing my counterarguments that I'd forgotten to drink it.

That cold coffee became a wake-up call. Why was I treating her different perspective as a threat rather than an opportunity to learn?

The ancient wiring that trips us up

Humans are wired this way. Our brains evolved to be incredibly good at spotting differences – it's what kept our ancestors alive when they needed to quickly distinguish friend from foe. This ancient survival mechanism still hums along in our modern brains, except now it picks up on differences in opinions and worldviews rather than physical threats.

Think about scrolling through social media and seeing someone express a view that makes you roll your eyes. That instant reaction – the urge to comment, to correct, to defend your position – comes from the same place as our ancestors' fight-or-flight response. The difference is, we're not facing actual danger. We're facing ideas that challenge our own.

The mountain metaphor

What if we treated those moments of difference not as threats to defend against, but as pieces of a larger puzzle we're trying to solve together?

Imagine you're looking at a mountain. Standing at the base, you see dense forest and rugged terrain. Someone viewing from a helicopter sees snow-capped peaks and hidden valleys. A third person, approaching from the other side, might see gentle slopes and meadows. Each perspective reveals something true about the mountain, but none tells the complete story.

This is what happens when we encounter opposing viewpoints. Each perspective holds a piece of truth. When we dismiss different views, we're choosing to understand only part of the whole picture.

When curiosity replaces combat

My relationship with my brother taught me this lesson. We're political opposites, and our family gatherings used to be battlegrounds of competing ideologies. Something shifted when we started asking each other, "What do you see that I might be missing?" Instead of trying to prove each other wrong, we began sharing the experiences that led to our beliefs. Whilst we didn't always agree, we discovered that our opposing views helped us both see blind spots in our own thinking.

I experienced this recently during a discussion with a friend about traditional versus modern medicine. Initially, I was firmly in the traditional medicine camp, dismissing her interest in modern healing practices. But when I finally listened with genuine curiosity, I discovered valuable insights about medical science that complemented my understanding of holistic wellness. The complete picture wasn't either/or – it was both/and.

This shift – from defending our view to getting curious about what we might not be seeing – changes everything. It's not about compromising our beliefs or finding lukewarm middle ground. It's about recognising that truth often lies in understanding the full spectrum of perspectives.

The workplace laboratory

This brings us to our workplaces – spaces where differences can either create walls or build bridges. In professional settings, we often talk about diversity and inclusion, but sometimes forget that true inclusion means being genuinely interested in different perspectives, not just tolerating them.

Recently, I observed a team meeting where two colleagues had completely opposite approaches to solving a problem. The tension was palpable until the team leader did something unexpected. Instead of pushing for quick consensus, she asked each person to explain what they were seeing that the others might be missing. The resulting discussion revealed that each perspective highlighted important aspects of the problem that, when combined, led to a more comprehensive solution.

The coaching connection

This approach is at the heart of effective coaching practice. As coaches, we're trained to suspend our own judgements and remain curious about our thinkers' perspectives, even when they seem completely at odds with our own experience. We learn to ask, "What else might be true here?" rather than assuming we know the full story.

The same skill that makes coaching so effective – holding space for different viewpoints without immediately jumping to solutions or judgements – can revolutionise how we handle differences in all areas of our lives. When we approach disagreements with genuine curiosity rather than defensive certainty, we create space for breakthrough insights and deeper understanding.

Practical steps for daily practice

This isn't easy. Our defensive reactions are deep-seated and quick to surface. The key isn't eliminating these reactions but recognising them as signals to slow down and get curious. When you feel that defensive surge, try asking yourself:

•             What might this person be seeing that I can't see from where I stand?

•             What experiences have shaped their perspective?

•             How might their opposing view complete my understanding rather than threaten it?

Remember my cold coffee moment? I've started using it as a personal reminder. When I notice myself preparing to defend rather than understand, I imagine that cooling cup and ask myself what I might discover if I choose curiosity over certainty.

The ripple effect

The beautiful thing about this approach is that it doesn't require abandoning our own views or values. Instead, it invites us to hold them more lightly, making room for the possibility that our view of reality might be incomplete.

This skill – the ability to turn defence into discovery – starts with individual interactions, those small moments when we choose curiosity over ‘being right’. But it ripples out to change our workplaces, communities and relationships. When team members feel their unique perspectives are valued rather than threats to be neutralised, creativity flourishes.

Difference doesn't have to be a wall that separates us. It can be the very thing that helps us build a more complete understanding of reality. We just need to be brave enough to welcome the full spectrum of perspectives, knowing that truth often lies not in choosing one side over another, but in understanding how different views complement and complete each other.

About Amanda

Amanda Livermore is the founder of LORE Consultancy Ltd and a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) with the International Coaching Federation (ICF). With over 20 years of experience in coaching, training design and facilitation, Amanda specialises in helping individuals and teams develop the skills to work more effectively together. As both a trained mentor coach and coach supervisor, she supports coaches in their own professional development whilst helping organisations create more inclusive, psychologically safe environments where different perspectives are valued and heard.